Pull on your extreme pants… the 14th Annual Winter X Games start tonight at Buttermilk, Colorado.
It seems like just yesterday that I was sleeping in the passenger seat of my friend’s Volvo in the Mount Snow parking lot, when the X Games were on the east coast back in 2000. Back then, 720’s were contest winners, Ross Powers was babyfaced and snowboarding was still considered “fresh”.
Flip on ESPN2 this weekend, though, and you’re going to get tornadoed by the extremiest of extremeness (yeah, these are all English-language words. Bing ‘em.) Could 1998-Ross Powers have imagined that double back flipping snowmobiles would be shoulder-shruggingly common in 2010? Probably not.
Where will the extremeiosity end? How far can X-humans go?
Here are my predictions for the lineup of events at the 36th Winter X Games in the year 2032, held in Haines, Alaska (the only place in America that still gets natural snowfall):
Angry-Panthers-Out-of-Their-Element – Best Trick. In 2032, jungle cats will be hot. Danny Davis’ nephew will win the cat-riding competition with a sponsor-pleasing “No Saddle Synchro Slash”, an elaborate trick that scores points for mid-air high fives between cat and rider.
Snowboard Slopestyle. By 2032, snowboarding will have gone completely out of style and forgotten, only to return to the forefront as a retro-ironic event, much like high top Nikes and stonewashed jeans at your local board shop. Super-tweaked method grabs and handplants will be judge faves. All three medalists will be sponsored by Airwalk.
Snowmobile Big Air. Oh yeah, it’ll still be around. Only now the winning trick features half a dozen airborne cartwheels as the rider simultaneously organizes a shoebox full of receipts for his income taxes. Also, he’s jumping over Tootie from “The Facts of Life”.
The Gillette Mach-23 Ultimate-Pipe. Halfpipes? Child’s play. The Superpipe? Please. The Winter X Ultimate Pipe has 58-foot titanium, diamond-coated vibrating razor sidewalls. The judges won’t even consider you for a medal unless you pull an Octuple Triple Double 3960 (no one knows what this trick actually entails because it looks like two ferrets breakdance fighting. it’s all based on good-faith and the honor system).
Anyhoo, those are my predictions. You got any?
-Luke
